Surfaced

Have you ever had the feeling you were drowning? not physically, but mentally. Felt so defeated you didn’t know how you would ever come up to surface again. The moment I found out I was pregnant it felt like a hurricane hit me. Not because I didn’t want to be a mom, but because I was led to believe my only option was not being a mom. Since the moment I found out I was pregnant I had vivid and constant thoughts about being one. These thoughts made me feel like I was drowning more and more. I had to tell myself everyday that I didn’t want to be a mom and remind myself of the only option I was told and that was that I couldn’t be a mom. When I was at planned parenthood to terminate my pregnancy, I found out that I was 14 weeks along and I felt like I might never come to surface again. If I ripped this life from me, i’d be tearing away so much more than my baby, as if that already wasn’t enough. I sat there realizing how wrong it was being there with the thoughts that lingered in my head about my future. But I was left there believing we would die if I followed through with the pregnancy. Shortly after, the doctor refused to follow through with the abortion after she found out how far along I was and the severity of my illness. A weight was lifted off my chest and I immediately left.

As I opened the door of my sisters car she looked confused. “That was quick, you’re already done?” “She wouldn’t do it” I responded. “ I’m 14 weeks along.” Neither of us spoke another word. We drove in silence for a couple of minutes as I sat feeling lost, confused, hopeless, and scared. I had hit the bottom of the imaginary dark blue sea in my head. We pulled up to a red light as my sister looked at me sit in silence. “Do you want to keep this baby?” She asked me. As the words came out of my sisters mouth it felt as if she pulled me to the surface. I looked at her with a sense of terror realizing what my future might hold as I responded “yes” and began to cry as relief poured out of me. She reminded me that no matter what I was told or lead to believe my option of being a mother was my choice. I had the right to be aware of the true risk and decide if I was willing to take them on.

My sister went through a lot of it with me. She sat in a small room of an OBGYN’s office as she told me we would probably die if I went through with the pregnancy. My sister listened to the doctor as she asked me why I would even want to take that chance and reminded me I could have a baby another way some day. I sat in disbelief so angry till I was so upset I ran out of the office crying “this has nothing to do with having a baby one day, this has to do with the baby I am giving life to right now. The baby I’ve already fallen in love with.” I hollered out in disbelief and anger. After all of that my sister still wanted what was best for me and she knew I was not going to give up on hope. She knew I would do everything in my power to have this baby. I think she was terrified but I think she knew It’s what I needed.

 

Dear Sissy,

What I am trying to say is that I have never forgotten to reflect on the moment you made me feel like I could breath again. I have never forgotten where I might be if you were not there for me. Just like many situations in my life. As I left the small waiting room in the doctors office of lung transplant a few months ago I wish you were there with me, not because I can’t do this without you but because it seemed to be easier with you. Nobody can erase the fearful shadows in my head like you can. When things get scary, you’ve always had a way to make the shadows go away. Your like a breath of fresh air. I’ve missed you so much and can’t even begin to express how happy I am to have you home. As I pulled into the driveway this Monday evening I was so delighted to see your car in the driveway and couldn’t help but smile. When I sent you a text the other night asking to hangout it felt so damn good being able to do that. Our love for each other is so unexplainable, unconditional, and unbelievable. I am so lucky to have a sister like you and I am so happy to have you home.

 

1 Comment

  1. Thank you for my miracIe granddaughter Paisley, who brings so much joy to our life’s. 💞 I am so proud to have you as my daughter your strength and positive outlook you have on life, with all the challenges that you have to deal with, the people you have inspired. Never asking why me, looking at all the positives in life and taking one day at a time you have a heart of gold 💛
    When we were told you had CF I will never forget that day😢 not really knowing much about the illness, as I researched CF in disbelief, I was in denial, you would be ok I would not let anything happen to you, and then I realized this is bigger then me, all I can do is be there for you to support you, to cry with you, help in any way possible.
    I am one very lucky person to have 4 amazing kids, you are our glue, you remind us how precious life is. I have to agree how nice it is to have Savannah so close again, another reminded how blessed I am😘 love you, your sister and brothers to the moon and back. Thank you for your strength, love and positive outlook on life 😘

    Like

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