Dealing with Distance

It is Friday September 1st at about 3:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep. I’ve always had trouble sleeping but never like this. I feel emptiness as if there is a shadow living inside of me right now, as if I’m being defeated by its sorrow. I am at Cottage Hospital being treated with a 2 week IV antibiotic course due to a lung infection. I initially came to the ER on Tuesday due to hemoptysis (coughing up blood). Thankfully I have had no more hemoptysis but I do have the lung infection and was told I would be here till Tuesday. Each day gets harder and these walls around me seem to grow smaller. Last night after finishing up treatments, I received a call from Paisley. One of my favorite times is getting to talk on the phone with her about her day and say good night. She seemed to be getting a little distressed on the phone as we talked, so I switched to FaceTime. My heart was breaking when I saw the look in her eyes, she missed me so much and so did I. Tears started streaming down her face, and she begged me to come home as she cried “I need my mommy”. I was trying my best to keep it together for her, but my heart was breaking, my emotions were racing and I no longer could. Tears started pouring from my eyes. I reminded her that I loved her so much and that I wanted to be there too, but I needed to be here to get healthy so I could come home. I never in my life thought this would be the hardest part of a hospital stay. That after all the poking and prodding, the tests, treatments, doctors, and lack of rest, being miles away from her would be the reason I lose sleep, the reason my heart aches so much, the reason I feel sorrow. The older she gets the harder it gets for her. She can’t quite comprehend why I must be here, what my illness is, and how the hospital will benefit us both in the end. I hope it will eventually start to get easier on her once she can understand these things, but I also fear it may get much harder understanding and fully comprehending what the severity of my illness truly is. I hope she can learn strength and the value of life through our battles together with my illness.